The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Audience Participation Script
=============================
The Dayton Affair
For scripts, contest and event info
Or to contact the cast, go to
http://www.daytonaffair.org
=============================
(The Dayton Affair, April 2004, 4th Version)
Props included in survival kits:
Rice
Newspaper (pref. Plain Dealer)
Toilet Paper (pref. Scott)
Toast
Cards
Other props:
Bouquet (opt)
Rings (opt)
Small Flashlight or Glowstick (NO LIGHTERS)
Rubber Gloves (opt)
Noisemaker
Party Hat
Bell
Paper Airplanes
General Information:
Audience instructions are in square brackets. Most text is to be shouted.
The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the following line is to be shouted in
unison with the film. Some text suggests audience participation (i.e. Throw rice).
The most generic callback:
Whenever Brad appears, or, especially, introduces himself, the line “Asshole!”
is appropriate. With more discretion, the line "Slut!" is appropriate to Janet.
Note: All audience lines are taken from the New York 8th Street Playhouse and Eastside Cinema
This script has been updated for use with The Dayton Affair at Page Manor Twin Cinemas in Riverside,
Ohio, and is available on the above website.
SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE
[at opening bars of music, "A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, God
said, 'Let there be Lips', and they were. And they were good."]
Usherette(lips): Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood still
But he told us where we stand. ["On our feet!"]
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear, ["they were gold"]
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. ["thought it was chevy chase"]
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong; [Echo: "when Fay Wray Fucked King Kong"]
They got caught in a celluloid jam. [echo: sexual jam]
[yay smuckers!]
Then at a deadly pace It Came From... [echo: I came on]
["where?"]
Outer Space. [echo: "Janet's face"] [thank you!]
And this is how the message ran: ["Freeze those lips!"]
Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will
build a creature.
See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on"]
Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat and"] Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night,
double feature,[rocky horror] picture show.
[As Credits begin: Starring.... a Faggot!]
[at Charles Gray's name: "That man has no fucking neck!"]
[credits: ad-libs of "Asshole" and "Slut" at Brad and Janet's names;
at Jim Sharman: "Don't squeeze the Charmin!"; at Sue
Blane: "Sue's to Blame"; point at 'Richard
Pointing'...etc.]
Usherette(lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel [echo: fucking a sparrow] [tweet!]
When Tarantula took to the hills.[echo: took LSD] [lick it off]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott [echo: "Janet's twat"]
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
[echo: penis that spits semen and kills]
Dana Andrews said Prunes [with pits]
Gave him the runes [Echo: "...shits"]
And passing them used lots of skills. ["Yay skills!"]
But When Worlds [echo: balls] Collide, [clap hands, "Boom!"]
Said George Powell to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible [echo "sexual"] thrills,"
Like a... [BLOWJOB!]
Chorus: Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting ["And fucking and sucking on..."]
Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat and"] Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
I wanna go…. Oh Oh Oh
To the late night double feature picture show,
By RKO, Oh Oh Oh
To the late night double feature picture show,
["Where's the best place to fuck?"] In the back row,
["Fuck the Back Row!" Back row: "Fuck the front row!"
Front row: "Eat shit and Die!!" Back row: "Eat shit and Live"]
Oh Oh Oh To the late night, double feature, picture show!
Dentonian: Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]
Photographer: Let's get a picture. Close together now. The parents and then the
grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful.
And... (snap)
Ralph: I guess we really did it, huh. ["Hit him! Hit him back!"]
Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost
inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher courses.
Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I showed up in the
first place. (chuckles)
Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)
Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. [throw BOUQUET]
Janet: ["who's got the clap... who's got the clap?"] I got it! I got it!
Ralph: Hey big fella,["How would you know?"] looks like it could be your turn next,
eh? [you should be so lucky]
Brad: Who knows.
Ralph: Well, so long, see you Brad. ["See ya, sucker!"] Guess we better get get
going now Betty. Come on, hop in. (they drive away)
["Think about it Asshole..."]
{“what's the moral of this story”]
[read sign: "Be just and fear not. SMOKE POT AND FEAR EVERYTHING!"]
[When couple is seen running after the car:
"old people can't keep up!"]
Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? ["No"] Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful?
["No"] I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Betty
Monroe [echo the whore], and now... now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
(sigh) ["Have shit, will travel!"]
Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. ["No he's not, she's got syph"]
Janet: Yes.
Dentonian: I always cry at weddings. ["I bet you laugh at funerals too bitch!"]
Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
["Look out for the masturbating angel!"]
[What a place for a billboard] response: [it was a grave mistake]
[Arrow points to the slut]
Janet: Yes.
Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
["If he doesn't get fired first!"]
Janet: Yes.
DAMMIT JANET
Brad: Hey Janet.
["Sit on my face and wiggle!
because my nose is longer than my dick"]
Janet: Yes Brad?
Brad: I've got something to say.
[say it asshole]
Janet: Uh huh.
Brad: I really love the... ["Starts with an S...sku...sku..."] skillful way ["What
a fuckin' genius!"]... you beat the other girls... ["With whips and
chains"] to the bride's bouquet. ["And that too."]
Janet: Oh Brad.
[eat your vegetables bitch]
[audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's,
'Dammit, Janet's, and 'Brad I'm Mad']
Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
The road was long but I ran it. ["Backwards!"]
There's a fire in my heart [echo: ass] and you fan it. (Janet)
If there's one fool for you then I am it.
[echo: there is a baby in the bush so let's kill it] [ahhhhh!]
I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet I love you. [echo: I wanna screw]
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. [echo: asshole]
There's three ways that love can woo.
["Sex, drugs and rock and roll"]
That's good, bad, or mediocre. [echo :"gay, straight, or bisexual"]
["How do you spell slut?"]
Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [Echo: "I want to screw"]
["Don't drop it!"]
["Can we have some black flowers please?"]
Janet: Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe [echo: the ho] had. (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
[Echo above line: "...you fuck Mom and you blow Dad"]
I've one thing to say and that's
Brad, I'm mad, for you too. [echo: brad, you fag, fuck you too]
Oh Brad...
Brad: Oh... dammit. [Echo: "Oh...shit."]
Janet: I'm mad...
Brad: Oh, Janet. [Echo: "Oh...shit."]
Janet: For you.
Brad: I love you too. [Echo: "I want to screw"]
Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo. ["Bury a midget!"]
Brad: And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
["He's in the box!"]
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
["He's STILL in the box!"]
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
[Echo above line as: "...piss in my pants and then panic"]
Now I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit, Janet, I love you. [echo: I wanna screw (in the box)] Dammit,
Janet.
Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad.
Brad: Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet: I love you. [echo: I wanna screw]
[ as the camera focuses on the church window: " four way split NOW!"]
Narrator: I would like ["You would, would you?"], ah, if I may,
["You may"]...to take you ["Where?"] on a strange journey.
["How strange was it?" As Chucky pulls out book: "It was so strange they
made a movie out of it; not the book, the movie."] It seemed a fairly
ordinary night when Brad Majors ["Asshole!"] and his fiancee Janet Weiss
["slut!"], two young, normal, healthy kids ["Normal?"], left Denton that
late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex-tutor, and now
friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds...
["Describe your balls!"] heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they
were driving. It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was
badly in need of some air ["like your fucking neck!"], but, uh, they being
normal kids, ["Normal?"] on a night out... [“it was a day's inn”] well,
they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were
they? ["Certainly not"] ...On a night out... ["It was a day's inn!"]
["shit we pissed him off"] it was a night out [“fine have it your way”]
they were going to remember... ["How long?"] for a very long time.
[as the car goes down the road sing the batman theme]
["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]
Nixon: I have never been a quitter...["bullshit!"] To leave office before my term
is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. ["You call that a
body?"] But as President ["You call that a President?"] I must put the
interests of America first. ["What does America need, Dick?"] America
needs a full time president...["What else?"] and a full time Congress...
Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
["Sluts can't count"] They sure do take their lives in their hands, what
with the weather and all.
Brad: ["Say something stupid, Asshole!"] Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
["Janet’s pretty cheap to any type"]
Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
Brad: ["Make a sound like a cow!"] Mmm. We must have taken the wrong fork a few
miles back. ["Asshole!"]
Janet: Oh, but where did that motorcyclist come from?
[hum a few bars of the Twilight Zone theme]
Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
["watch out for camera 2!"] (BOOM)
Janet: Oh! What was that bang? ["A gang-bang!"]
Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten that spare
tire fixed. ["Asshole!"] Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll
go for help.
Janet: But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere...
Brad: ["What's white and sells hamburgers?"] Didn't we pass a castle back down the
road a few miles? [general cheers] Maybe they have a telephone we could
use. ["Castles don't have phones, Asshole!"]
Janet: I'm going with you.
Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
["too late!"]
Janet: I'm coming with you! ["That'll be a first!"] Besides darling, the owner of
that phone might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"] and you might never come
back again. ["You should be so lucky."]
Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh. [they get out of the car "Self inflating tires, kick
twice... Asshole".
[NEWSPAPERS over heads] ["Buy an umbrella, you cheap bitch!"]
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE
[When sign saying 'Enter at your own risk' is shown spell out the letters
on the sign then say "how long does it take to read five fucking words?...
FIVE FUCKING MINEUTS!!!”]
["Watch out for the slut-eating tree!" -- right before Janet ducks a tree
branch.]
["Sing, bitch!"]
Janet: In the velvet darkness, [tittie boom, tittie boom]
Of the blackest night,[tittie boom, tittie boom]
Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star.
[echo: there's a brand new car] ["That must hurt."]
No matter what or who you are.
[as brad appears:"instant asshole just add water"]
Brad & Janet: There's a light... [turn on LIGHT at the word 'light']
Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light... ["Where do you keep your grandmother?"]
Chorus: Burning in the fireplace... [LIGHT out on 'darkness' - yell "Darkness
Virgins!" if any lights still on]
Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
["Sing to us, O hairless one!"]
Riff Raff: The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow morphia slow,
let the sun and light come streaming Into my life. Into my life... ["It's
the Incredible Shrinking Riff Raff!"]
Brad & Janet: There's a light... [LIGHTS again]
Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light... ["Where's Santa Claus?"]
Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light
Brad & Janet: [lights off at 'Darkness'] ...in the darkness of everybody's life.
["And Betsy Ross used to sit home and sew and sew and..."]
Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet [unlike your
fucking neck] and that they had found the assistance that their plight
required. ["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they? ["Nyah-ha-ha"]
Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...
Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
["It's Scooby-Doo in bondage!"] (doorbell rings, door creaks open) ["Ding-
dong, asshole calling"]
Riff Raff: ["What do you call satanic 'jell-o'?"] Hello.
[are you drunk or high brad?]
Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss. I wonder if
you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road...
do you have a phone we might use?
Riff Raff: You're wet.
Janet: ["Hey Janet. are you a slut?"] Yes - ["Why?"] it's raining.
["what do you do when it snows?"]
Bard: ["Are you gay, Brad?"] Yes.
Riff Raff: ["Are you gay, Riff?"] Yes... [are you gay god? - thunder - "oh shit"] I
think perhaps you better both ["fuck off!"] come inside. ["I don't care
where you come, as long as you clean it up" "I don't care if you clean it
up, as long as you come"]
Janet: You're too kind.
[hey brad, show us how butterflies masturbate]
[can you see the domestic in this picture? NO! the slut is in the way]
Janet: Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?
[its a masonic temple]
Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. ["Yay, rich
weirdos!"]
Janet: Oh (forlornly)
["Hey Riff, show us how you finger your sister"]
Riff Raff: ["Which way?"] This way. ["Follow the bouncing thumb... boing-y boing-y
boing-y"]
Janet: Are you having a party? ["No, it's my sister's bas mitzvah"]
Riff Raff: You've arrived on a very special night.[we're making a movie] It's one of
the master's affairs. ["Which one? he has so many"]
Janet: Oh lucky him.
Magenta: You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ["The banister's
lucky!" instead of "we're all lucky"] ha ha ha ha ha
["Hey Riff, show us your Mummy!"]
THE TIME WARP (everybody get out into the aisles!!)
Riff Raff: It's astounding; Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll. [five cents please]
But listen closely...
Magenta: ["How long?"] Not for very much longer.
Riff Raff: I've got to keep control. [echo: smoke a bowl]
I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick, kick"]
Drinking those moments when The blackness would hit me
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling... [“what's it say”]
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
[how does it go chucky?]
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust ["group sex, group
sex..."] That really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's
do the time-warp again.
Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, ["Do you douche?"]
no, not at all. ["Smells it."]
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
["Where are your tits?"] Well secluded,
[flip off the screen and say: "can you see this?"]
I see all. [“oh shit!”]
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip [echo: fuck]
Magenta: You're into the time slip. ["Fuck that bird!... stroke that Pole"]
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation. [would you like a donut?]
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives
you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
(Columbia tap-dances)
["2, 4, 6, 8, show us how you masturbate! 3, 5, 7, 9, we know you do it all
the time! eat your heart out Ann Miller"]
[just before she hits the stairs "Watch out!"]
All: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left. [Echo: "Get the fuck off the desk"]
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [Echo: "Get the fuck off the desk"]
All: You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives
you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again.
["Say something stupid, Asshole"]
Janet: Brad, say something.
Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison? [“no but I can do the crisco
fuck with the disco duck”]
Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. (music cue softly at first,
crescendo up) [tap/clap in time to Frank's heel; chant: "boot, step, boot,
step, boot, step...”]
Brad: It's just a party, Janet.
Janet: Well - I want to go.
Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do
some more . . . folk dancing.
Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.
Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about
(Janet screams and faints) [scream]
SWEET TRANSVESTITE
Frank: How do you do, I See you've met my
Faithful handyman. [echo: handjob man]
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked [“he rang!”]
He thought you were the candyman.
Don't get strung out ["like a tampon"]
by the way I look. [“like a tampon”]
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I'm not much of a man [“no shit”]
by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover. [echo: sick mother fucker]
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy. ["Bull shit!"]
Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal,
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
["Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?"]
Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home, Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit
of a hurry.
Janet: ["left"] Right.["left"]
Brad: We'll just say where we are,
Then go back to the car. [Echo:"then go fuck in the car"]
We don't want to be any worry. [Echo: "we both want to fuck Tim Curry"]
Frank: Well you got caught with a flat,
well, how 'bout that? [echo: fuck that cat - meoow!]
Well, babies, don't you panic.
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic. ["S&M!"]
I'm just a sweet transvestite ["Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Riff Raff: [echo] Night.
Frank: Or maybe a bite?
Columbia: [echo] Bite.
Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. ["Sex"]
I've been making a man ["You call that a man?"]
With blond hair and a tan [you call that a tan]
And he's good for relieving my ["sexual"]... tension
I'm just a sweet transvestite ["check him out"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
[echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite
Frank: From Transexual,
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.
Frank: So ["What?"] - come up to the lab, [ I can't cum that high] And see what's
on the slab. [Echo: "And fuck me on the slab"] I see you shiver with antici
- (3 seconds) ["SAY IT!"] - pation.
But maybe the rain Isn't really to blame.
["No, Sue's to Blame read the fucking credits!"]
So I'll remove the cause [echo "Your clothes"]. (chuckles)
But not the symptom. (applause)
(Brad and Janet are given towels) ["Janet's on the rag." "the rag's on
Janet" "Always wipe your asshole."]
Janet: Thank you. [“Brad what do you say when Janet tries to fuck you?”]
Brad: Thank you very much. (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and
Janet)
[“Janet what do you say when Brad tries to fuck you?”]
Janet: Oh! Brad!
Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when
the time is right.
Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. ["Yay rush!"]
Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss; ["Spell
urinate!"] you are...
Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would
give their right arm for the privilege.
["Or their left tit"]
Brad: People like you maybe.
Columbia: Ha! I've seen it. [“and I don't do laundry”] ["Grab something useful, Brad -
like a shoe!"] (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the
bottle, and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it" )
Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
["Riff can't hold his liquor"]
Columbia: Shift it. ["Drop it!” ... "Thank you"]
(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
Janet: Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?
Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever shall be. We are
simply his servants. ["slaves"]
Janet: Oh. ["Sluts first ... Assholes second... Servants, to the rear, why do you
think they call them butlers?"]
["Look, it's Ken and Barbie -- with Action-Grip!"]
Frank: ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta, ["Where do you get your drugs?"]
Columbia, go assist Riff Raff [Echo: "woof-woof"]. I will entertain ...uh
huh huh... (chuckle)
["...the cameraman! with the worlds largest handjob"]
Brad: Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". ["Weisssss"]
Janet: Weiss.
Brad: Weiss? um
Frank: Enchante [what's that mean?] (Janet giggles)
Frank: Well! how nice. [what does it really mean]
And what charming underclothes you both have.
But here. Put these on. They'll make you feel less ["Naked"] vulnerable
["same thing"]. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality. [Echo: "Horse-brutality"]
Brad: Hospitality!? All we asked was to use your telephone, Goddammit, a
reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.
Brad: Ungrateful! ["it's a bird, it's a plane it's.... SUPER ASSHOLE!"]
Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So...
dominant (crowd has flurry of laughs). ["if he's so dominant why does she
need opera glasses?"] You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
Janet: ["Hey, Janet, are you a slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles)
Frank: Do you have any tattoos [echo: testicles], Brad? ["How do you tattoo an
asshole? With a ballpoint pen"]
Brad: Certainly not!
Frank: ["Ask Janet"] Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)
Janet: No. (giggling)
Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your ["screaming
orgasm"] word. ["nobody likes a dry hump"]
Frank: ["Hey Frank, when's the orgy, and who's invited?"] Tonight, my
unconventional conventionalists...[hey that's us] you are to witness a new
breakthrough in biochemical [echo: bisexual] research... and paradise is to
be mine... It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you get a
break... [“snap your rubbers and scare yourself”] whole pieces start to fit
into place ["like a dick in your ass"], not a sign of being...what a fool!
The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it
happen... ["A what?"] AN ACCIDENT!
Magenta & Columbia: An accident!
Frank: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, ["Who's
your favorite character on Star Trek?"] that SPARK that is the breath of
life... ["Are you going to fuck everyone in the audience tonight?"] Yes,
["Do you know about gay sex?"] I have that knowledge...["What do you hold
under your arm?"] I hold the secret...["to life?"] to life...["Itself?"]
itself! ["F"] You see ["K"]..[Echo "You"] You are fortunate for tonight is
the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! [Echo:
"Fucked"]
(Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)
["Virgins take a guess... is it a chicken or a duck?"
chant: “chicken or a duck, chicken or a duck"]
Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator ["Not the sonic
oscillator!”] ... and step up the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS
[Echo: "...red...triangles!"] [When Riff turns the wheel, "I've been
working on the railroad..."]
(colorful fluids, etc. in order Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo,
Violet [identify colors as "Red shit! ...Orange shit!", etc. ])
(Rocky emits some gutteral garbage)
Frank: Oh! [echo] Rocky!
THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see,
that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. {echo: big boner]
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at
the start of a pretty big downer. {echo: big boner]
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no. (repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-
la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, sha-la-la.
Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.
Rocky: Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)
["Forgive him!"]
Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you.
["if you're horny and you know it slap the bars...."]
Rocky: Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)
Frank: Oh, I just love success.
Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Frank: Yes.
Magenta: A triumph of your will.
Frank: Yes.
Columbia: He's O.K.
Frank: ["Hey Frank, hit the tittie ejector button"] o.k. (smack)
O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph!
["Ask Brad and Janet!"]
Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?
Janet: ["Lie, Janet!"] Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. ["Just one
big one"]
Frank: I didn't make him... FOR YOU! [“I made him to screw”]
["She gets him anyway!"] He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.
[make seal noises and clap]
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)
[I have to stick all those up my ass??]
Frank: A weakling [brad] weighing ninety-eight pounds [2 brads]
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground; [echo:in the groin]
And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
The sweat from his pores [echo: balls] as he works for his cause Will make
him glisten ["What's your favorite toothpaste?"]
...and gleam. And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,
["Go for the gold!"] ["Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it! why do
you think he missed it?"] He'll be pink and quite clean He'll be a strong
man. ["What do irish bees make?"] Oh honey...
All: But the wrong man.
Frank: He'll eat nutritious [“cum”] high protein. [“cum”] And swallow raw
eggs...[echo: raw cum] Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms,
and... legs. Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven
days... [“ or seven lays"]
Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man.
Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk. ["off"] He
thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just
can't understand, When in just seven days, oh baby, ...["or seven lays"] I
can make you a man. ["Guess who's coming to dinner?"]
Frank: ["Hey Frank, what's the opposite of 'ooh ah'?"] Ah...ooh!
Columbia: EDDY!
HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)
Eddy: Whatever happened to Saturday night, When you dressed up sharp and you felt
alright? It don't seem the same since cosmic light Came into my life, I
thought I was divine. I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And
listen to the music on the radio; A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll
show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. Hot
patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie,
bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I
really love that rock 'n roll. My head used to swim from the perfume I
smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste
her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear
tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some hair oil on Buddy
Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl you'd
try to sing along. It felt pretty good. Woo You really had a good time. Hot
patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie,
bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my
soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I
really love that rock 'n roll. (... for a total of twelve times) (Frank
attacks Eddy with a pick)
[“what was that?”]
Frank: One from the vaults. (chuckles) ["A greaser from the freezer... Like A Bat
out of Hell... 2"] ["Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what
to do with bloody rubbers -- Turn them inside-out and use them again"]
Rocky: Ugh... [“i'm upset”]
Frank: Oh baby... Don't be upset...
It was a mercy killing ["Mercy, mercy, mercy"]
he had a certain naive charm, but no muscle
["Show him yours"] (Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)
Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.
A hot groin and a tricep.
Makes me, oooh [Echo: "dance with a midget"], shake,
Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the ["Balls"] ...ha-ha-hand.
Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.
Frank: ["Step, kick..."] I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.
Janet: ["Sing, bitch!"] I'm a muscle fan.
Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man Dig it if you can In just seven
days, I can make you a man.
Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and
Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Narrator: ["I say that life is an illusion."] There are those that say that life is an
illusion ["like fucking your neck"], and that reality is but a figment of
the imagination ["So's your fucking neck!"]. If this is so, then Brad and
Janet are quite safe, ["from your fucking neck"] ... however, [there's
allways a however] the sudden departure of their host...and his
creation...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite ["Sweet!"] had
left them feeling both ["Neckless"] apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling
which grew ["unlike your fucking neck!"] as the other guests departed, and
they were shown to their separate rooms.
(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)
["Pink is for sluts... watch out, holy water burns sluts!]
[He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake... ... He
knows if you've been fucking Brad and when you masturbate - woooo!]
["same room different lighting, cheap movie"]
(knock)
Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?
Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.
Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in. ["and out, and in, and out"] Oh! Brad Oh Brad.
Yes, my darling...but what if...
Frank (Brad): ["Don't worry, I brought a rubber!"] It's all right, Janet, everything's
going to be alright.
Janet: ["Don't touch the hair!"] Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh
it's you!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad? ["Nothing yet,
he's saving the best for last"]
Frank: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?
Janet: You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? ["It isn't all Brad, either"]
I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
["Brad's not down there...Brad's never been down there!"]
Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This!
Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... ["No, Sue's
to blame; can't you read the fucking credits?"] Oh...I was saving myself...
["For what, a rainy day? Well, Janet, it's raining!"]
Frank: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...
Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad? ["Slut!"]
Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die... ["Stick a dildo in my eye"] (assorted
sexual noises)
["I'm so glad we had this time together..." - sung "Meet Miss Magenta. She
uses Mop 'n Glow. Her neighbor Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt has been down on her
knees for seven hours...but she hasn't been mopping!"]
["Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah...riff-raff does it twice as
fast, oh, doo-dah day"]
["I paid five dollars, I want to see a muscle twitch...thank you"]
[he's got the whole world - up his ass....]
(Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra,
["I know what you're thinking riff, but that won't fit"]
Rocky runs away) ["Where's the bathroom?!"]
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.
Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
["Don't touch the hair!"]
Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
Brad: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet?
["Fucked the shit out of her"]
Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never...
["Never never?"]
Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, I
think you really quite enjoyed it. (Brad starts moaning)
Frank: Oh... so soft...
Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET!
["Janet's not there, Janet's never been down there!"]
Frank: Janet's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like THIS?
Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the
real thing!
Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't a crime to
give yourself over to pleasure, Brad. ["It is in New Jersey"] We've wasted
so much time already...Janet needn't know, I won't tell her...
Brad: Well, promise you won't tell...
Frank: On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu.....
["Don't talk with your mouth full!"]
(BEEPBEEPBEEP...)
Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose
and somewhere on the grounds...Magenta has just released ["her sisters"]
the dogs...
Frank: mmmm? coming! ["So's Brad!"]
[“Watch out for the demonic one eared dog!!”]
Janet: What's happening here? ["Switch!"] Where's Brad? ["Switch!"] Where's
ANYbody? [as Rocky runs by “where’s the fucking bathroom?!”] Oh, Brad.
Brad, my darling ["Janet, my slut!"], how could I have done this to you?
Oh! ["It was easy, but it would have been easier without the
pantyhose!"][as elevator rises: drip,drip,drip] If only we hadn't made this
journey... ["But you did!"] if only the car hadn't broken down... ["but it
did!"] if only we were amongst friends... ["But you're not!"] Or sane
persons ["Two out of three ain't bad"], Oh Brad, Oh Brad,["get butch,
bitch"] what have they done with him...(she sees him on TV with Frank) Oh,
Brad, Oh Brad-How could you?
[“assholes always smoke after sex”]
(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
["Leave him alone, he's monsterbating"]
Janet: Oh, but you are hurt ["no shit"]...Did they do this to you?
["No, I did it to myself"] I'll dress your wounds...
["He's got more hurt than you've got skirt"] baby there...let me make it
all better. ["Hey Janet, who do you want to fuck? rocky or the audience?"]
Narrator: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental
state. ["And you can only read about it, shitlips"] It is also a powerful
and irrational master ...and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed
on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was,
indeed, ["a nymphomaniac"]... its slave.
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
Janet: I was feeling done in, [“and out and in...”]
couldn't win [“well, at least you scored!”]
I'd only ever kissed before.
Columbia: You mean she... [“catholic”]
Magenta: Uh huh
Janet: I thought there's no use getting ["laid"]
Into heavy petting ["Same thing"]
It only leads to trouble And seat wetting.
[stand up and say:"oh shit my seat's wet!"]
Now all I want to know is how to go.
I've tasted blood [Echo: "come"] and I want more.
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] ["less"] More, ["less"] more,["less"] more ["less"]
Janet: I'll put up no resistance
I want to stay the distance [Echo:"I want to fuck you distance"]
I've got an itch to scratch [echo: itchy snatch]
I need assistance.
Toucha toucha toucha touch me [Echo: "Fucka-fucka-fuck me"]
I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me [echo: "chilly willy fufills me"]
Creature of the night.
Then if anything grows ["it won't!"],
while you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down.
Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down ["up"].
Janet: And that's just one small fraction
of the main attraction [echo: erection]
You need a friendly hand and I need action.
Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me Creature of the night.
Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta: I want to be dirty.
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,
Magenta: Creature of the night.
Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me I want to be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfil
me, creature of the night.
Rocky: Creature of the night [“switch”]
Brad: Creature of the night? [“switch”]
Frank: Creature of the night. [“switch”]
Magenta: Creature of the night. [“switch”]
Riff Raff: Creature of the night. [“switch”]
Columbia: Creature of the night. [“scream in fear”]
Rocky: Creature of the night. [“hey he got two turns”]
Janet: Creature of the night. [“cha-cha-cha!”]
Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! ["Say thank you! ...say it in French!"] Merrrrrcy!
(being whipped by Frank)
Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching...
Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...["Doing what?"] master ["bating"]
Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.
Brad: Hey, Scotty! ["Beam me uppie!"] ...Dr. Everett Scott.
Riff Raff: You know this earthling ...this person?
["Watch it, O'Brien, fuck you Curry, I wrote this script!"]
Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
Frank: ["What's your favorite fruit drink?"] I see. So this wasn't simply a chance
meeting. You came here with a purpose. [Echo: with a porpoise]
Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
["Assholes don't lie, they're just full of shit"]
Frank: I know what you told me, Brad...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not
unknown to me.
Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.
Frank: ["I paid five dollars to see a nipple... thank you"] And now he works for
your government, doesn't he, Brad? he's attached to the bureau of
investigation of that which you call UFO's!!! [“oh F you”] Isn't that
right, Brad?
Brad: He might be...I don't know.
Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master.
[“as intruders often do”]
Frank: He'll probably be...entering the Zen room.
[echo: "the rubber plant room"] ["fuck the roach, smoke the hookah"] Shall
we inquire of him in person?
["it's the triple-contact faggot-magnet with optional leg lift!"]
(pause)
[When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's room, "Ring around
the lesbians - fucking tourists!"]
[when Dr. Scott breaks through the wall - "Hey Kool-Aid!"]
Brad: Great Scott! [throw TOILET PAPER]
Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter, we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first"]
Brad: Dr. Scott!
Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around"]
Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is
doing here. ["Getting good head"] It was part of your plan, was it not?
That he and his female should check the layout for you ["or lay the
checkout"]. Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed.
You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is. {"Aw, you promised you
wouldn't tell!"]
Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to
me ["didn't you read the script?"].
I came here to find Eddy.
Brad: Eddy! [echo: dinner!?!?] I've seen him!
Frank: Eddy! What do you know of Eddy, Dr. Scott?
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Eddy happens
to be my nephew. (Frank gasps)
Brad: Dr. Scott. ["Rocky roll call!"]
Janet: Ah! ["You blew it, bitch!"]
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! [bullwinkle]
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! [bullwinkle]
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! [bullwinkle]
Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily. (to Rocky)
Magenta: (GONG) Master, dinner is prepared! ["and I helped! (hay-ulped)"]
Frank: ["Papaya again? I prefer…"] Excellent. ["Egg Salad again? "] Under the
circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. ["To-ga, to-ga..."]
Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the
bread, the last meal of the condemned man, ["the last meal is a condemned
man "] and now... this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be
sure that there was to be little, bonhommie.
["If that's the Hostess, I hate to see the Twinkie!"]
(Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard, the electric slicer is
used to slice up the meat (by Frank)) ["Meat Loaf again!?" "It slices, it
dices, it circumcises... Transvestites start your engines! ... All sliced
up and no place to go - woo!"]
["riff, what kind of wine is it?" (riff spills wine on the table) "table
wine!"]
Frank: A toast [throw TOAST] to absent friends...
[who's the jew that threw the bagel?]
All: To absent friends.
Frank: and to Rocky. (Frank starts a verse of stacatto 'Happy Birthday Rocky' and
cuts it off after 'Dear Rocky' [- the audience sings along]) Shall we?
["Hey Riff, deal me a slice. ... He really knows how to fling his meat!"]
Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddy.
Columbia: Eddy. (Frank threatens her with the slicer)
Frank: That's a rather tender subject. ["that's a rather tasteless joke"] Another
slice anyone? ["Janet gets it, Brad gets it, Dr. Scott gets it, Rocky gets
it, but he doesn't give a damn."]
Columbia: Excuse me [we've secretly replaced columbia's vibrator with a chainsaw...
let's see is she notices] (Scream on exit) ["What's the matter? You ate him
before - you can eat him again!" "Yeah, but she didn't swallow last time!"]
Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined...Aliens!
[Who the fuck are you talking to? Who the fuck are we talking to?]
Rocky: Ugh?
Brad: Doctor Scott!
Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. [sig heil]
Brad: Just what exactly are you implying? ["He's a Nazi!"]
Dr. Scott: It's all right!
Brad: Doctor Scott!
Scott: It's all right, Brad.
EDDIE'S TEDDY
["tell us about your sex life..."]
Dayton Affair:our film is missing the words “from the day he was...”
born [echo: Porn] ["Not the night but the day"]
He was trouble. ["Not Monopoly but Trouble"]
He was the thorn ["Not the rose but the thorn"]
In his mother's side. ["Not the back, but the side"]
She tried in vain... ["Not the artery but the vein"]
Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.
["shame, shame, shame..."]
Scott: He left home the day she died.
["it's rockin' scott!"]
From the day she was gone ["Bop shebop bop"]
All he wanted ["Was Dr. Scott's cock"]
Was Rock 'n' Roll porn ["and Dr. Scott's cock"]
And a motorbike. ["Whoooooo..."]
Shooting up junk... ["don't knock it `till you've tried it"]
Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk! ["FUCK YOU!"]
Scott: Taking everyone for a ride.
All: When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. But
when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo: "dick this size"]
Frank: What a guy! [echo: what a fag]
Janet: Makes you cry. [echo: makes you gag]
Scott: Und I did.
Columbia: Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him.
I said, hey, listen to me;
Stay sane inside insanity! [echo: "stay hard and come inside of me"]
But he locked the door and threw away the key.
Scott: But he must have been drawn ["and quartered and sliced"]
Into something, ["like a four course meal"]
Making him warn ["Dr. Who??"] Me in a note that reads...
All: [echo] What's it say? What's it say?
Eddy's voice: I'm out of my hed. ["spelled wrong"]
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["spelled right"]
They mustn't carry out their evil deed. [Scream!]
All: When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. But
when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo: "dick this size"]
Frank: What a guy!
Janet: Makes you cry.
Scott: Und I did.
All: When Eddy said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid.
But when he threatened your life
with a switch-blade knife [Echo: "...with a ball-point pen"]
Frank: What a guy! ["What does santa say?"]
All: Oh-oh-oh...
Janet: Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]
All: Hey, hey, hey...
Scott: Und I did. ["I HATE celery!"] (All scream)
["Hey Frank, let's play 'Slap the Slut' -- you go first"]
Frank: Rocky! How could you? (slaps Janet) (general mayhem as Frank chases Janet.
Riff and Magenta laugh, until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the
audience echoes])
WISE UP
Frank: I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. You'd better wise up, Janet
Weiss. Your apple pie don't taste too nice. You'd better wise up, Janet
Weiss. I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. You're as sensual as
a pencil, wound up like an E or first string. When we made it, didja hear a
bell ring? [ring BELL] Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice. You better
wise up, Janet Weiss. The transducer will seduce ya.
Janet: My feet! I can't move my feet!
Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!
[Echo: "My God, I can't feel my face!"]
Brad: ["My socks i can't move my socks!"] It's as if we're glued to the spot!
Frank: You are! ["Nyah-nah nah nah nah"] So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
Janet: We're trapped!
Frank: (sung) It's something you'll get used to.
[Hey Frank, make it an R rated movie!]
A mental mind fuck can be nice.
Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic
transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory, physio-
molecular transport device?
Brad: [echo] You mean... ["A vibrator!"]
Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some
time ["a working vibrator"]. But it seems our friend here has found a
means of perfecting it ["the perfect vibrator"]. A device capable of
breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who
knows, perhaps even time itself.
[vibrators in spaaaaace!]
Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?
Frank: [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet! You better wise up, Janet Weiss. You better
wise up, build your thighs up, You better wise up
Narrator: And then she cried out...
Janet: Stop! [Echo: "More!"]
Frank: Don't get hot and flustered!
[what do you do if you run out of K-Y?]
Use a bit of mustard.
Brad: You're a [echo: stick a] hot dog, [up your] but you better not try to hurt
her, ["with your 10 inch"] Frank Furter. (Freeze - Brad)
Scott: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter. (Freeze
- Scott)
Janet: You're a hot dog -- (Freeze - Janet)
["Shut up, bitch, it wouldn't have rhymed anyway"]
[one, two, three, four, can't anyone use the fucking door??]
["Who's Tim Curry?"]
Columbia: My God! ["Mine too!"] I can't stand any more of this!
["So sit down"] First you spurn me for Eddy, and then you throw him off
like an old overcoat for Rocky! [he was an old overcoat for rocky] You
chew people up and then you spit them out again... ["He's on a diet"] I
loved you ["What did you say?"]..d'ya hear me! I loved you! And what did
it get me? ["A hole in your shirt!"] Yeah, I'll tell you - a big nothing.
["At least it was big!"] You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and
drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough!
["Peek-a-boo!"] You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because
of the rocks in his head.
["holy shit, what a bitch, quick magenta flip the switch"](freeze)
["BLT bigger left tit!"]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time... (freeze Rocky) [everybody must get
stoned...] ...even smiling makes my face ache
["so, bite your knuckles like a jewish mother!"]...and my children turn on
me... Rocky's behaving just the way Eddy did.
["Show us your ear!" ... "Ear-gasm!"]
Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?
["That could be it"]
Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania,
huh? ["soon as we find moose and squirrel!"]
Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. [you
mean they're related?] You have both served me well. [ where is magenta's
hand and why is riff-raff smiling] Loyalty such as yours shall not go
unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite
generous.
Magenta: I ask for nothing ["under 12 inches"]
Frank: And you shall receive it...in abundance! ["fi fie foe fum, first
i'll pee and then i'll..."] Come, we are ready for the floor show.
["people are always fucking over the handicapped...
Look out for the finger; if you touch it, it's statutory rape!"]
Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided
that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr.
Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would
have possibly forseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their
engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted ["Frank's cock"] ...forbidden
fruit.["same thing"]
This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals
["yay, little morals!"]...and some persuasion. ["Yay, some persuasion"]
What further indignities were they to be subjected to?
And what of the floor show ["all this and a floorshow too?"]
that is spoken of? ...
["Where do you masturbate?"] In an empty house?
["When do you masturbate?"] In the middle of the night?
["Rates are cheaper"]
What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?
[echo: diabolical chicken stepped on your forehead]
What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to
be... ["an orgy or a picnic?"] no picnic. [everyone cheers]
ROSE TINT MY WORLD A. FLOOR SHOW
Columbia: It was great when it all began. ["ah-weeble-wobble"]
I was a regular Frankie fan. But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a muscle man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope ["is smoking dope"]
Is my love of a certain dope.
Rose tints my world [echo: my nipples],
keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. (Unfreeze - Rocky)
Rocky: I'm just seven hours old, ["and can't sing"]
And truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told
My libido hasn't been controlled.
Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]
Is an orgasmic rush of lust. ["butt floss"]
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Brad)
Brad: ["What's two plus two?"] It's beyond me;
["What do you say when you masturbate?"] help me Mommy!
I'll be good; you'll see. Take this dream away.
What's this? ["The floor!"] Let's see,
I feel sexy! What's come over me? ["Frank"] Wo!
Here it comes again.
(unfreeze - Janet)
Janet: I feel released ["echo: feel diseased"]; bad times deceased.
My confidence has increased; reality is here.
The game has been disbanded;
my mind [echo: "twat"] has been expanded.
It's a gas that Frankie's landed! [echo: show us where that faggot
landed.... x marks the spot]
His lust is so sincere.
B. FANFARE/DON'T DREAM IT
Frank: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? ["She went ape-shit!"]
That delicate, satin-draped frame?
As it clung to her thigh ["like a homesick abortion..."]
How I started to cry ["I'd cry too if I had abortion on my thigh!"]
'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.
[Kick that Dick]
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of
the flesh. Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to
treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh. Don't dream it, be
it. (four times)
["Waiter, there's a faggot in my soup - shut up, everybody'll want one" ...
"He even swims with a lisp!"]
["Last one in the pool has to be in shock treatment!"]
All: Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times) [use the force luke...](Unfreeze -
Scott. In on sixth time)
Scott: Ach! ["Choo!"] We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of this trap
[and into tht pool] before this decadence ["Yay, decadence!"]
saps our wills. I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind
may well snap ["crackle! pop!"] and my life will be lived...
for the thrills!
Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!
[“columbia shut him up...”]
Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr.
[“ewwww I kissed a girl...”]
C. WILD AND UNTAMED THING
Frank: ["Hey Frank, whose pool is this?"] My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my...my! I'm a wild and an untamed thing. I'm a bee with a deadly
sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your
blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake
it 'till the life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my
trouble and pain.
All: We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're bees with a deadly sting. You get a
hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the
life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
(two times)
Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure; Your lifestyle's too extreme.
I'm your new commander; [echo: I just fucked my sister]
You now are my prisoner. [echo: come here and smell my finger]
We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam.
[magenta there is a lesbian orgy in the parking lot...]
Frank: [“What is the direct result of gravity?”] Wait!
["What did you say when your parents found you rocky costume?"]
I can explain!
[“you better do a good job, you got us all killed last week”]
(Frank gives instructions to Columbia and Rocky)
["You go fuck with the purple onion...you get the other shit...
God, I hope this works."]
I'M GOING HOME
["Ladies and gentlemen, for one night, and one night only, Liza Manelli
with Alfalfa's shadow singing I'm going homo!"]
Frank: On the day I went away...
All: Goodbye...
Frank: Was all I had to say...
All: Now I...
Frank: I want to come again ["and again, and again..."], and stay.
All: Oh, my, my...
Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may. [echo: i'm gay] 'cause I've seen,
[H - B - ] oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm
going home. [Echo: "I'm fucking stoned"]
All: I'm going home.
Frank: ["Where do you fuck?"] Everywhere
["how's it been?"] it's been the same...
All: ...feeling...
Frank: ["What's a golden shower feel like?"] ...like I'm outside in the rain...
All: ...wheeling...
Frank: ["How much is a blowjob?"] ...free to try and find a game...
All: ...dealing...
Frank: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. [throw CARDS]
'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes And I realize, I'm going home.
Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times) (applause)
["neil Diamond is: the jizz singer"]
Magenta: How sentimental. ["You bitch!you made the drugs wear off"]
Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to
Transylvania, I referred only to Magent-er [magent-AH!] and myself. I'm
sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but ["F"] you see ["K"],
you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.
Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser!
Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.
["You mean, it doesn’t matter?"]
Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
[“Male fraud!”]
Scott: You saw what became of Eddy. Society must be protected.
["Fuck society!"]
Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. Say
goodbye to all of this, ["Goodbye, all of this"]
and hello ["Hello"] to oblivion.
["Hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids?"]
["A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips, First one to scream gets shot
in the tits!"]
(Columbia screams - gets zapped)
(Frank screams - gets zapped)
["king kong's pubic hair please" ... "Thank you!" ...
"Wait…He's not dead yet ... he's dead now" - when Rocky falls on him...
"Hey, there's a chorus under that curtain"
"Chest of steel...shoulder of steel...back of steel... transvestite of
steel"] (Rocky moans over Frank's body - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped - falls
to his death) ["Tower of cardboard"]
Janet: Oh! You killed them!
Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
Riff Raff: ["Get paranoid!"] They didn't like me!
["Get real paranoid!"] He never liked ME!
Scott: You did right. ["Brownnoser, is that a shitstain or a moustache?"
"Shoot the cripple, they get all the best parking spaces"]
Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. ["And I made it"]
Scott: You're O.K. by me. ["Nanu, nanu... shit wrong alien!"]
Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your... ["dinner"]
... nephew. ["Same thing"]
Scott: Eddy? ["No, Penelope!"]
Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.
["He was delicious"]
Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. We are about to
beam the entire house to the planet of Transexual, in the galaxy of
Transylvania. Go... Now.
["Does this mean we can't use the phone?"]
Riff: Our mission is completed, my most ["Ugly Q-Tip"] beautiful sister
["If that's the beautiful one, I hate to see the ugly one"],
and soon we shall return
to the moon-drenched shores of ["Gitchy-goomy!"]
our beloved planet
["Where the women look like cupcakes and the men have bananas on their
heads"]
[“magenta... go for the oscar, your lines are on the ceiling”]
Magenta: Sweet Transexual, land of night ["And high electric bills"]... To sing and
dance once more in your dark embrace...to take that step to the right...
Riff Raff: But it's the pelvic thrust...
All (flashback): That really drives you insay-ya-yaaaane...
Magenta: In our world, we'll do the Time Warp again!
SUPER HEROES
Brad: I've done a lot;
God knows I've tried
To find the truth.
I've even lied.
But all I know is down inside
All: I'm bleeding... [“I'm Menstuating”]
Janet: And super heroes [“stumble stumble fall”]
come to the feast [“stumble stumble fall”]
To taste the flesh [“stumble stumble recover...”]
not yet deceased. [“stumble stumble sit”]
And all I know is still the beast
All: Is feeding... Ahh, ahh... (etc.) ["Stop the world, I want to get off!"]
Narrator: And crawling ["where?"]
on the planet's face ["What did you have for breakfast?"]
Some insects ["what're they called?"]
called the human race... ["Where's your fucking neck?"]
Lost in time ["What's your favorite TV show?"]
And lost in space ["this movie lacks plot..."]
And meaning. ["Sing it, it's important"]
All: Meaning. ["You forgot to turn off the globe!"]
SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE
Usherette: Science Fiction Double Feature.
Frank has built and Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
The servants gone to A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh. At the late night,
double feature, Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night,
double feature, Picture show.